Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
