why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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