i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
