He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
