I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
