I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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