Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
