My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
