He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
