i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
