I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
