found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The uberlube is also flammable
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
