i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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