My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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