There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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