I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
They took my balls.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
