I understand Curling. That high.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
