I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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