some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
