i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
