i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
