i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it glows. i had to have it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
