Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
