Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
