how can u be prego again
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
