I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
