Got a toothbrush?
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
