If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
