My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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