The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
