why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
