No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
