I murdered the dance floor call the cops
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
