here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
