Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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