Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
