My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
