i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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