I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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