Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
