I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
