You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
