just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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