Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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