smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
