Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
