how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
