I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
