Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
