So drunk its hurt
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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