Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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