there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
