I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
